An open apology: Dear Julie

As any activist will tell you, we are a passionate bunch. If our fights are virtuous and the people we fight are not, it leads to some very interesting verbal battles.

I have tried, God knows I have tried to speak my mind and advance calls for equality. Mean spirited groups such as the Anti-LGBT Religious and the Far Right leaning conservatives declare all out verbal AND sometimes physical warfare when they say people like us need to die. When they say we will burn in a hell and when they tell us our children will follow. When they say God hates us, and they tell us we deserve to be murdered, raped, belittled and denied Grace. Words like these slash and cut to the very soul and after so long you learn in order to fight back you have to be quicker then the enemy, smarter and use truth, however harsh that truth is, as your sword for your fight. You have to defend yourself.

Time and time again it has been proven that those that are strong will walk over those that are weak. So, even the most peaceful of us sometimes must draw the sword of Righteousness and armor our self in Belief(Whatever that belief may be) and fight for whats right.

Sometimes our sword gets turned on the wrong people, or the right people for the wrong reasons. Sometimes when your surround its like a “Hogan’s Ally” where you try to hit the bad guys but every once in a while, hit someone innocent.

Anyone who has kept up with the dramatic and lengthy battle between Julie, from the “Goldencoathanger.com” site and me knows well we each have fought to make our points clear. We fought for our beliefs.

But when you dig through it all, really it comes down to two things.

  1. Julie believes I was directing anger towards her for not wanting children
  2. Julie wants to know why my attack was so vicious to start with

To answer her first question, Julie I never once told you not having kids was wrong. Lots of people can’t have kids. When I refered to you as “selfish” I was implying that your reasons for not having them seemed selfish. You should know yourself well enough to see your writings are very pointed and jaded. You have an air about you that I see as the same type of aura which develops from being attacked relentlessly from all sides.

I saw the hate mail you get. I saw the names you were called. They were terrible. People like us grow thick skin and defend ourselves with chilled satire and condescending remarks when we feel that we were attacked first. We justify brandishing our sharp tongue and the war is on.

On this issue, I apologize. There is no law saying you can’t be selfish. There is no law that says you can’t put yourself first. As I mention before, what I read was an attack against you that escalated into something else. We are both never going to agree on all aspects of the argument with that lady because you and I see with different eyes. However, I had no business in the argument to begin with and I was overly harsh and unkind with my words. I made a mistake. Your letters to that woman struck a cord within me about another person forcing their beliefs on someone else. I know that woman started it by doing that to you, but to me, in the end you turned it around and were doing the same thing to her. Again, not looking to debate you here. This is what I saw.

You’ve called me a Moron and an idiot, but I assure you I am neither. I called you many names as well that I wish I could take back. I feel that in my responses to you, I did show my point on how I viewed what you were saying, but like you, I used Icy satire to drive home my point. Neither of us were right in how we dealt with each other. Neither of us can claim to be the innocent once the ball got rolling, but what I do take full responsibility for is starting the fight to begin with. For that, I humbly ask your forgiveness.

Why was my attack so vicious? Simply put, I hate bullies and I loathe people who keep on attacking even when the battle is won in their favor. That’s what I saw. Again, there is no debate here because this was my perspective. I felt justified in brandishing that sword and, to a degree I don’t regret it. I regret that I entered a battle in an area I know so very little about. I regret I didn’t ask for clarification first. I regret I used the harsh words usually saved for people who without question deserve them and have proven those names to be accurate. I was presumptuous and that was wrong.

I will always feel that the last 2 letters to that woman never needed responses. If those letters had been addressed toward me and my fight, I would have agreed with the lady that there was no point in continuing the fight and walked away.

You are not me. I am better then you? I don’t know. Are you better then me? I don’t know. What I do know is your site is full of venom that is the result of a large population trying to force upon you something you don’t believe. You believe in a woman’s right to choice unconditionally. Many, including myself I have come to realize, don’t. You believe in living Child free and with that I DO believe.

I look around this word full of hate and last night while I laid in bed I thought about your words. In light of whats happening in Tennessee and Wisconsin against a community that just want the fucking right to love and be left alone, to be equal and go their way, and in light of all the harsh, cruel, vicious and vile words used against us, why I asked myself should a child be brought into this word just to know one day their innocence will be shattered like mine was, like yours was. Is that not a form of cruelty in and of itself? Why have a child if all you have to teach them is hate? Why have a child when you can’t even take care of yourself or your own pet?

You said in your blog when the woman asked for the debate to stop: “That’s not how this works lady. You’re rude to me, I’m rude to you. I will have to be banned from posting before I stop” That’s a generalized quote but pretty spot on. It has to end somewhere and that somewhere is here.

On the subject of abortion, which I will not go into my detailed views because they are complex, we will never agree, Julie. But to you I say I’m sorry. I was wrong to attack you with the force I did. It was like taking a fire hose to blow out match flame. I made a mistake. We all do. And in these times when tensions are high and we are fueled and armored in our steadfast beliefs……sometimes mistakes happen when a flame meets that already charged air.

I have come to learn in public speaking that if you can’t admit when your wrong, how can anyone believe you when you’re right? If you cannot set aside pride for the greater good of peace, why should anyone listen to you?

Julie my site brings in about 40-120 views a day. Now that’s not much but for a blog that’s been open 2 weeks, I think its mighty fine. Those people read what I have to say and I owe them more then just poorly aimed remarks and subject matter against fights that aren’t mine at the time.

I’m sorry Julie.

I’m sorry to my readers for distracting from the true reason for this blog.

I’m sorry Jessica that you got dragged in the middle of this, but am so grateful you acted as a mediator. Because of you, I understood where she was coming from and why she speaks the way she does.

I’m sorry Christine for allowing myself to stray from the path of fighting for TS rights.

But mostly, I beg forgiveness from God, who knows my heart and intentions and knew I should have sought His guidance in this matter far sooner then last night.

For me, the matter is closed. I’m still new to this wide world of blogging and I see how it can be easy to get distracted. Hate is not conquered with more hate. It is conquered with patience, understanding, love and the unbreakable will to vanquish that hate with truth, whatever that may be.

“You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the Villain” – The Dark Knight

I implore all of you out there who are fighting the good fight for what you believe is right to be cautious. If you don’t pay attention and catch yourself early, one day you may find where once you played the protagonist, you end up spewing the same hate as those you once fought. I’m glad I caught myself early in my blogging experience.

Thank you for reading.

LiVia

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~ by LiVia on May 21, 2011.