V for LiVia: Realization

As I look out the window at the constant parade of gray clouds that have been here for a week, and I ponder what all has happened in the last two weeks, I have come to a conclusion.

All my life I tried to do right but I always messed up. I lost who I was, got it back then last it again for a decade. I have learned that just like “V”, there is no tree for me. I’m done and I’m exhausted. I’m through with any and all relationships.

There’s a story I’m going to tell you about a girl named Yvonne in my next post. Its a real tear jerker. I guess happiness is gauged by many different things for many people. Some find happiness in God. Some find happiness in the journey of transitioning. Julie finds happiness in living Child Free, my friends over at “Radical Gay Family Agenda” find happiness in their family.

AS I look outside I realize how utterly alone I am. My most loyal friend ran off with some cunt I hooked him up with and hasn’t spoken to me since. That was almost a year ago. We had known each other for 5 years. I try to understand it, even though I know he hadn’t had any meaningful relationship almost his entire life, I never thought he would vanish with her and leave everything and everyone else, including me behind.

Yvonne met this deformed guy(That’s not in an insult, he really is deformed) who lives off disability and lives on World of Warcraft. Yvonne has a huge heart and this guy is like a parasite. He latches on and won’t let go. He is a chronic cheater, liar and has a temper. He doesn’t get his way, he rages. She spends most of her time with him because he has ingrained himself so much in her world (He seriously calls like 25 times a day….literally) that everything and everyone else is cast aside. So she’s preoccupied.

My mom is dying, the love of my life and I split up, and then nothing past that but a few good times and drama which I can’t take.

The real fact of the matter is I’m finding it hard to figure reasons to stay alive. Whats the point? I hopped over to that Golden Coat Hanger site to check and see if Julie had posted anything about me. She is currently arguing with herself as to if she should. I pray she doesn’t. In this frame of mind, I am not someone to be fucked. The resulting argument would do nothing but hurt feelings and make both us look like two immature teenagers. Someone asked why do I bother fighting some young kid in their 20’s? I guess I have no logically reason other then I take serious issue with people who bully and try to make up their own version of things when the facts are right in front of them.

Its why I removed these posts. I didn’t want to get into it. It was useless to argue with someone like that. Just walk away Livia, walkaway. Maybe it is time to walk away, from the blog, from what small embers remain of my once fierce dreams, from relationships and just resort to breathing and finishing this transitioning.

War is hell. Too many of our soldiers are killing themselves in the Military. Too many kids lose the war against bullies in high school and die. Too many Gay and Trans people, unable to cope with the harsh stigmatizism pushed on them by the otherly zealous, end their journey.

You read about the site “It gets better”. I believe in the message and if that site saves just one person, it was worth it. For me though, it doesn’t get better. It gets worse. One day my mom will die and that will end my family. With no children of my own, and no other close family or even anyone who carries the last name, I’m it.

I would have liked to know what its like to have someone fight for you, pursue you, love you and be strong for you when you can’t take another step. I would like to have know what its like to have someone who will never betray you and follows the Definition of love. Love is faithful, Love is kind, Love always forgives, etc.

In the end I realize now all I really have is me, this computer and my cat. True Love is a myth and fairytales are for children. This is a sad fact of life. Anyone who says different hasn’t reached the part in their story where it all turns to shit. People who live in fairytales, just haven’t grown up enough to see the world and all its loneliness and hate .

I wish Daddy was still alive……

Livia

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~ by LiVia on May 17, 2011.

7 Responses to “V for LiVia: Realization”

  1. Don’t stop believing in love. It gets painful at times and there is a lot of fakes in the world. But that I think only increases the value of real love. The type of love you discribed above-real love. And please don’t stop writing. What you say helps people if if it is only one person then it is worth it. 🙂

  2. Damn Livia,
    Whether a story ends happily or sadly depends on where you stop the tale. I know things are rough right now, but hold on. You’ve had moments where life seemed terribly wonderful and you will again.
    Do something that takes you outside yourself: I know it sounds cheesy, but volunteering/helping other people is a good way to step back and get some perspective.
    {{{{V}}}} sending you love!

  3. First off if you need to talk message or email me. I have had similar things in my life happened which has turned my world upside down. I had a really long message typed out about it but I really didnt want to flood your blog with personal experiences lol.

    Second, Life gets better. As someone on my blog (you) commented. “All I can tell you is I refuse to believe you are doomed for a life of misery.” Life sucks sometimes. It hits you hard and quick and everything looks helpless. But there is light at the end of the tunnel if you keep going. There always is a reason to live, even if you dont see it at the moment.

    • Thank you hun…paying it forward I see? We all have our moments, even Activist’s with a pension for the letter “V”. *hugs*

  4. Somehow the phone didnt make my ❤ at the end of my "First off if you need to talk message or email me." message so ❤ ❤ to make up for it!

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