V for Vehemence: A story of Rape. 18 and older viewers only.

This post is unlike any other and I must confess I am writing it for me. Frankly, I’m upset.

For 27 years I struggled with my Gender Identity. That is a hell you cannot know unless you have been there. I remember as a very young child thinking there was something wrong with me. I remember being alone, playing alone, sitting alone. I was 6 at the time. 6. According to all these religious fanatics and hate mongers, apparently I was an evil child, tempted by the devil…..but tempted with what? A new toy?

I met my first friend in Tennessee. His name was Ryan and he was my first crush. Remember, if you have a female brain gender, being attracted to guys makes you straight. Attraction to girls make you Lesbian. Just felt like saying that.

I got older, about 8 I think and he was 11 or 12. Not sure. Well, he was my friend and I was confused so I talked to him about my feelings. He said it didn’t bother him. I remember dressing up for him in my moms nice clothes. He seemed to like that and I found a sense of freedom. At school and such I just stayed out of the way. I didn’t engage anyone. I was teased and what not but in those early years being invisable was pretty easy.

Fast forward about a year I think. I was 9. Ryan starting asking me to do things with him. These were things I had no clue about. You can take a guess and figure out they were sexual in nature. I mean this was my friend. My Crush. He accepted me, so I thought, and why wouldn’t I trust him? I also remember not wanting to lose that one person who accepted me. I played along. By the time I was 10 he had worked himself up to me giving him blow jobs.

I felt wrong and used. I think I knew for a while I was being used but at that time I had no clue of the “Inch” I sold my integrity. I just wanted someone to love me? Is that so wicked? Seemed like everyday it was something else, some other request with him. It wasn’t until he invited me over to his house and I walked in his bedroom that I finally saw for myself how much of an idiot I had been. He had 2 other friends over and he “informed” me that they would be taking turns with me. I shook and lowered my head. I told him goodbye and closed the door, walking away. He didn’t come after me. He never apologized. By the time I hit 11 he was out of my life…so I thought.

Fast word from the time I was 11 to the time I was 13. I had moved to Minnesota with my day and had come back down for a visit for some Holiday. I don’t know which. Mom and Ryans mom had remained friends. They never knew because I new said anything. Over those years Ryan got big….I mean really big as in build. He begain abusing his mom, had a juvy record and was just mean. Me? Well this was at the highlight of me being me. This was when Emily and I were together and I was discovering my through our long long conversations we had everyday. I hated being away from my mom but I loved Emily and what she did for me and I for her.

I don’t remember how, but some how Ryan got invited over for some reason. Maybe he came with his mom. I don’t remember that part but I do remember being terrified of him. I remember some how ending up alone with him. I remember him trying to sweet talk me. When that didn’t work I remember him ordering me down on all fours. I refused, but he was big…..I was tall, thin and lanky. He moved toward me so fast I couldn’t even blink before he was in my face. He gave me this look, It was like death.

It was evil. It was hard and it had that crazy look you see sometimes. I was 13 and terrified. I did as he asked. He pushed my front half down so my ass was in the air. He raped me. When he first began I cried out. It hurt. There was no lube nor any attempt of gentleness.

When he heard me cry out in pain, you know what he said? “It hurts don’t it?”. I said yes and asked him to stop. He did, eventually. What ever innocence I managed to keep from earlier in my life, that son of a bitch took right then and there. I went to the bathroom to clean up. I was bleeding. I cleaned up as much as I could and stepped out. He wanted more and told me to suck his dick. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t argue. I lowered down and did as I was told.

It was gross and sick and all I can sat is thank god I had a clean colon. How I managed to not sick sucking someone off after anal I have no clue. I guess that was my one mercy that night. Whats funny is that I don’t remember anything after that. I don’t remember anymore of the vacation, him leaving, mom and dad and his mom coming home…nothing.

I hated myself for a long time. I should have fought. I should gone down kicking a screaming but I was afraid. I knew he beat up his own mother and he was so big. If he could beat up his mom what would it matter beating the shit out of me or killing me?

I was 13. I was weak. I was afraid. I didn’t want him to hurt me. I yet again gave up my integrity. I gave it up because I let him take it from me. He was the only person in my life I ever had thoughts of killing.

Time went on and I grew up. I got older, smarter, faster and learned to fight. He ended up in prison last I heard. I got tested every single year for HIV and STD’s when I turned 18. I just get it done today with my Blood work I need for my meds and hormone checks. I do it, even though I don’t sleep, around out of habit. I also became a cop, though this was much later. That one person raped me twice. I told him no and to stop and I sure as shit didn’t want it. I cried and told him it hurt. I did everything I could but resist. I was afraid.

Another bad experience later on in life gave me a complex. Men scare me. Even the nice ones, because I know what they can do. Even when we fight, sometimes we aren’t strong enough. In my experiences, men see what they want and take it. They may not always rape you but they break your heart. They play their games. They take what they want and discard you.

So, all you folks out there who feel we don’t need equal protection. To all of you out there who fight people like me in our battle to be safe to walk the streets. I tell you now, Fuck you. I asked the Word Guru I spoke of in my last post “As a white, well educated straight man, what do you know of Opression and discrimination?

One day we will have our rights. One day we will marry and one day some fucker is going to come looking for one of us to make an example of. When that day comes and he attacks you, I pray you fight. Don’t give in. I pray you make him have to pull that last “inch” from your cold, dead hands.

Did you know that its a defense when a man kills someone who is Trans to claim insanity? You can read the article here. You don’t even have to be having sex, just making out or kissing. They say when he “discovers your really a guy and it dawns on him he has been making out or sleeping with another man, a straight person can reasonably go insane”. Of course he’s cool after the murder. Vengeance must help sooth him and force him to his senses. Then some of the courts have said “Hey! Thats cool. We get it!” First degree Murder and life in prison or the Death Penalty? Nah. Lets say Manslaughter and 5 years. Thats about what a tranny is worth these days.

So again, if you find yourself in a life or death struggle, do not hold back. Do not go to injure, Go to Stop. Make them stop. Sadly that sometimes means you accidentally kill your attacker. But always remember, never defend yourself to kill. Never defend anyone else with intend to kill. Defend to stop the attack and NEVER hold back until you are certain he can’t hurt you or your loved ones anymore. Then call the police.

~ by LiVia on May 11, 2011.

One Response to “V for Vehemence: A story of Rape. 18 and older viewers only.”

  1. This made me cry. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s so horridly formiliar. I wish your pain away

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